goodnight i made you a song goodbye
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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