I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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