i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
