I wish I only lived at night.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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