i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
