she smelled like a LAN party
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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