My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
