I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
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