insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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