Moan for me like Helen Keller
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
