i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
