The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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