peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
