well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
