**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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