Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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