the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
