forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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