life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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