maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
