i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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