Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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