So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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