In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
