Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
