Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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