You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just had sex on a roof
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
