Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
