she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
