OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
