don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize