Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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