i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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