Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
