Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
