I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
