eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
