You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
