I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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