winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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