I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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