Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
