I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
