I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
why do cheetos always look like penises
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
