Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
