It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
