Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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