I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
