My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
