I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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