We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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