haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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