if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
