It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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