Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
