i think i have two assholes
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
