I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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