I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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