If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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