Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
