yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
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