happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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