I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize