I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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